The Fog (2005)

Here’s yet another unneeded re-make that truly shows why classic horror films that still retain the ability to scare today need to simply be left the fuck alone. John Carpenter’s original version, while far from a terrific film, was a nice little ghost story that exuberated tons of atmosphere and played as an almost "how to' in the slowly building tension department. This updated version, while retaining the same overall story (read my review of the original for a synopsis) save the occasional tweaks here and there, is a boring, emphatically unscary mess. You could sit an eight year old in front of this baby and not have to worry about a thing. Director Rupert Wainwright (of 1999’s "Stigmata") demonstrates a pure non-understanding of the horror film, lacing this turd with one tired cliché after another. In the recent wake of trendy/marketable PG-13 suspense films (they sure as shit aren’t horror), these films all bare the following traits. Want lame CGI effects? Check. How about a stereotypical black character that emits horrible one-liners and is fluent in ebonics? Check. Annoying little kid actor? Check. Want lame ghost/zombies that look like they came right out of an R.L. Stine book? Check. Lame wooden actors whom you actually cheer for to die? Oh, fuck yeah...CHECK!! Hilariously inept and stupid, original director John Carpenter should be ashamed he chose to produce this crap. Avoid at all costs.