Tale of the Mummy (1999)

You know what really sucks sometimes about running a film review website? Not only do I have to waste ninety minutes of my life watching a complete and wretched mess like “Tale of the Mummy”, now I have to sit and “write”, about what I thought of the film, and boy was this one bad...real bad.

“Tale of the Mummy” was a direct to video flick attempting to cash in on the “mummy movie” craze of 1999, what with the then current Hollywood remake of the Karloff classic and all. The flick starts off in Egypt, presumably in the 40’s, with none other than Christopher Lee heading an archeological dig and discovering a new and unopened tomb. Now, exactly what the hell Lee is doing in a piss awful flick like this remains to be seen, but I will say the only redeemable quality of this flick is having Chris Lee in it, even if it’s only for about five minutes. Needless to say, Lee discovers there is a curse to reckon with for all who tamper with the tomb, and upon it’s opening some nasty poison air leaks out causing Lee and cohorts to harden and shatter in some simply abysmal CGI effects. Prior to his death however, Lee blows up the tomb thus saving mankind from the curse, albeit on a temporary basis. Flash ahead to 1999, and Lee’s great granddaughter is following in grand pappy’s footsteps, opening the tomb and unwittingly releasing the ancient evil that is stored there. This evil comes in the form of a dude named Talos, a wicked (of course) king who now seeks his rebirth by replenishing his vital organs that were taken from his body during the mummification process...I think. However, Talos does not come back as a slow and shuffling mummy zombie, no sir, here we get his evil “wrappings” flying around like crazed confetti and killing various people in some simply unbelievable ways. For example, in one scene we see the evil wrappings drag a dude straight down a fucking toilet without the pipes expanding or anything. Who the hell thought that would look good on screen?

This flick relies way too much on CGI, and is probably the perfect example to illustrate how this stuff really does not work well when used in abundance. The film spends the rest of it's time with the mummy wrappings flying around, stealing organs and looking about as scary as paper towels can be. We also get a psychic angle with Shelly Duvall introduced, but the least I say about that the better my friends. Actually, I think I’m done wasting my energy reviewing this one all together. I don’t mind a bad film, half the films I love most ordinary folk would turn off after twenty-minutes, but this one is simply abysmal. So, won’t you join me, fellow troopers of the Horror Apocalypse Army, in declaring a loud and hearty “PISS ON IT”! Avoid at all costs...seriously.