The Amityville Horror (1979)

While it’s far from a great horror film, “The Amityville Horror” does serve up some cheap scares here and there. And who says “cheap” scares are necessarily bad? George and Kathy Lutz are amazed at the bargain they are getting on a rather spacious Long Island home. It’s got a big yard for the kids to play in; both a guesthouse and a boathouse attached to the property, plus a gateway to hell in the basement. Bet the realtor left out that last part, huh? As with every haunted house, George and Kathy’s dream home comes attached with a rather sordid past as a family of six was shot gunned to death in the home just one year prior. We also later learn that the house was built on an Indian burial ground/Salem witch torture spot (take your pick), another little detail I’m sure the realtor casually forgot to mention. Soon the family is under siege by the pissed off spooks as the family’s very sanity is under attack, as the house lets loose with ghostly pigs, stubborn windows, black goo, bleeding walls, and lots and lots of flies.

Besides some decent atmosphere and the usual supernatural shenanigans, this puppy owes much to the performances of Margot Kidder and James Brolin as the respective George and Kathy Lutz. They both had great chemistry as a couple who’s family is under attack from malevolent spooks, and extra kudos’ go to Brolin for taking the role of “man who’s sanity is under attack by ghosts” to a whole new level. Just be careful with that ax bro’, ok? If you got the lights out and the volume up, there are several notable scenes that will give you the old heebie jeebies. My own personal favorite is where the young daughter is singing, “Jesus Loves Me” to an invisible demonic pig. All you hear is the kid singing (which is creepy enough) while her rocking chair goes back and forth, back and forth. Brrr. Other notable scenes include the “babysitter locked in closet” segment, the oft-discussed “Get Out!” scene, and the many red tinged shots of the house, accompanied by Lalo Schifrins’s eerie score. Still, all the ghostly attacks in the world can’t save this one from several notable bugaboos. Who ya gonna call?

Well, it sure is heck ain’t the Catholic Church. “Amityville” suffers from too much emphasis on throwing in a “Catholic” angle, no doubt to capitalize on the “Exorcist” several years prior. Here, the Church is completely unwilling to help the ghost plagued Lutz’s as the family priest suffers from ghostly attacks and gets no backing from his “men of the cloth” posse. Rod Steiger delivers an utterly embarrassing and overdramatic performance, and his scenes do nothing but ruin the films pacing. Besides that “attempted” angle, there really isn’t much going on here except for one ghostly attack after another, resulting in an extremely limp and lame finale. There is a proposed idea of the house being a portal to Hades, but this idea is dropped two minutes after it’s introduced. And, what’s most troubling to me, exactly why does the family stay in the house so damn long? After living there for three days they should be able to tell these spooks aren’t exactly friendly, you know? Oh well, just like my Grandpa always told me, “It’s just a picture show Ryan.”

All being said, if you’re looking for a flick with some substance to it, skip this one. However, if you don’t wanna strain the old noggin and just wanna see some ghostly pigs, overacting priests, and yes, lots and lots of flies, it’s a good way to kill some time. Just tell em’ the voices made ya rent it.