As much as I love a good “haunted house” movie, it’s for that reason that I almost hate to admit the following. 2005’s version of “The Amityville Horror” rams home the point that there is simply nothing new that can be done with the “stick nice family in house with evil spirits” formula that has not already been done countless times over. Almost everyone knows the tale of that haunted house on Long Island, thanks to a best-selling (and truly scary) novel, and the 1979 flick of the same name. While the original was far from a great movie, it at least had several creepy moments to it (that damn ghost pig), something the new version can’t generate even once. Producer and expert copycat Michael Bay has taken a recognizable (i.e. bankable) name, “The Amityville Horror”, sticking every known cliché in the current horror film (“scary” child ghost, quick cut edits, loud soundtrack “boos!”) in the hopes that at least one of em’ generates a cheap ass scare. The word cheap is key here, because unlike previous supernatural fare that sticks with you after the movie has ended (“The Exorcist”, “The Entity”, etc.) the scares here are purely of the superficial/lame variety. You may jump out of your seat for a second thanks to that loud noise on the soundtrack, but when you go home to your dark house you won’t be thinking of the movie, and that’s where you know it has failed. It’s all style over substance, and I’m even being generous in the style department. Some lone highlights included a fairly good set design, the house looked creepy enough, to bad it takes more than looking scary to be scary. Actress Melissa George as the mom is simply gorgeous, and the lady does a good job at what she has. To bad her leading man Ryan Reynolds can’t portray any sense of menace as the possessed hubby, see actor James Brolin’s performance in the original as to how to truly portray a demonically possessed step-kid hating pops. I could go on and on here, but ah, you know….piss on it.

On a quick side note, for the truly scariest thing ever filmed on the “Amityville Horror” story, track down a copy of “In Search Of”, the seventies series hosted by Leonard Nemoy where they filmed a segment on the said events. That thing scared the piss out of me as a kid…a truly great episode and an awesome series to boot. Cool shit.