976-EVIL 2 (1991)

Oh fuck, it’s bad…bad as in USA Network’s “Up All Night” type of bad. Patrick O’Bryan returns from the first film as motorcycle riding Spike, traveling from town to town (I think) in search of more people in peril from the dreaded “976-EVIL” line. Christ, that almost sounds like an idea for a TV series doesn’t it? You could have Spike arriving in a new town each episode ala David Banner in “The Hulk” and getting into all sorts of trouble helping the locals fight Satan. In this episode at least, Spike shows up in a small town where the local Dean has just been arrested for murdering five coeds. Seems the old Dean, a Mr. Gruebeck, has been dialing a certain phone number of late and has been receiving some rather bad advice from Hades. However, the murders are still occurring even with Gruebeck behind bars as the tricky bastard has seemingly mastered the art of astral projection. Spike teams up with a local bimbo who couldn’t act worth a damn (but damn, what an ass!) to stop Gruebeck and end his killing spree. That’s pretty much the basics folks.

Low-budget auteur Jim Wynorski serves up a real steaming pile of shit here, with only three redeeming factors to it: an obligatory shower scene, some decent explosions and a nice little homage to “Night of the Living Dead”. The rest of the film is highly questionable. Simply atrocious acting, special effects, and lethal does of stupidity run rampant throughout. Notice how the character of Robin acts all friendly to biker Spike after having just met the dude in a diner. The guy rides in on a Harley, his hair is so oily it could catch on fire, and he wears the same leather outfit throughout the whole damn movie. The guy practically screams “serial rapist and murderer” but dumb old Robin just sticks out her tits and says “Hi Spike, what’s this about a satanic phone line?” Robin also wore too much pancake makeup; her dark tan accented the make-up to damn much leaving her face white as a corpse, why do moviemakers always miss these things? Keep an eye out as well for any scene where someone gets slammed against a wall, you can see the entire set shake and threaten to collapse…simply hilarious. Oh, and just when I was nodding off, just who pops up in a “special appearance” as an occult bookstore owner? Why, none other than Red Sonja herself…Brigitte Nielson! I think her appearance sorta sums up of what happened to her career, don’t ya think? Piss…on….it.