Fairly lame and tame sword and sorcery flick that could have been much better if made in the vein of the original "Conan" film, which had a dark and definite adult vibe to it, but instead we get a PG-13 rating, poor attempts at comedic relief, and following in the veins of most eighties action styled films... get ready for this my friends, the often feared and always annoying, the dreaded and evil child actor sidekick! Say it ain't so! I'll have more on that later on, I assure you.

he main plot, if you will, is of the typical revenge motif one sees in all of these types of flicks. Leggy Brigitte Nielson plays the fiery Red Sonja who witnessed her parents and villages destruction at the hands of a marauding army led by, of all things, an evil lesbian Queen. Now, the film never really comes out and tells you the evil queen is a lesbo, but we do see her make an ah, "advance" on Sonja, so who's to say? The queen also has at all times a young lass by her side at the throne so make your own judgment on that. Anyway, Sonja swears revenge, teams up with Arnold Schwarzenegger who by the way is not supposed to be Conan in the film, but c'mon, you got Arnie wielding a sword..he's Conan, ok? Sonja also teams up with a child prince and his bodyguard, and the four of them start the journey to fight the lesbo queen who has now come into possession of a glowing green orb that can cause earthquakes and very possibly the destruction of the entire world. Or if not the world, then at least the destruction of all those disgusting male pigs, eh my Queen? Going along with my subliminal lesbo theme here for a minute, notice the Queen's manic delight that only a woman can touch the magic orb? If a man touches it he vanishes into thin air...just something to think about.

Red Sonja is filled with the typical swordfights and the like, which are all nicely staged and stuff, it's just that there is hardly any gore to speak of. Two heads get chopped off (rather cleanly), and we get a brief glimpse of a hacked off arm, but other than that it's fairly tame stuff. Also, usually these films are good for a couple cool demons or monsters running around, but all we get here is a lame robotic underwater beast that's really not even worth mentioning about. Nielson does a decent job as Sonja, which basically means she shows a lot of leg and looks good swinging a sword. Arnold's role is basically a supporting one, and he really does not do much but bail Sonja out of trouble, kill bad guys, lift really heavy things and of course, try to get into Sonja's pants. As for the child prince, could that kid have been any more damn annoying? What with his big nostrils and constant cries of "e-yah!" whenever he swings his sword, I swear I heard those damn "e-yahs!" in my sleep. The kid's fat bodyguard was supposed to supply the comedic relief, but his lines of "how's the food around here" and such really got old and were, well, just not funny. Plus the dude fights with a big femur bone or something...use a sword for gods sakes, that bone club is just lame. Sharp-eyed fans will notice Italian exploitation regular Janet Agren sans cobra dildos as Sonja's sister, and the Queens adviser was played by the nazi dude from "Raiders of the Lost Ark". Not that you give a shit, right? Now if only Red Sonja took its lesbo theme to a higher level we might have something watchable here, but in reality...we don't.