Planet of the Apes (2001)

Well, here is yet another Hollywood "we can't think of anything original anymore so let's remake an old film and sell it to the masses as a summertime blockbuster". I think the only reason I rented it was due to the fact that Tim Burton was directing, and I was curious to see how he would change things from the original. The story is somewhat different, yet the same, with Marky Mark Wahlberg (minus the Funky Bunch) as the astronaut stranded on said Planet Ape. The special effects by Rick Baker were terrific, nobody makes a better monkey suit than this guy. The set design was also pretty nifty, but of course with as much money as they had to do this one, it damn better be. What really lacked from this one was any sense of feeling for any of the characters. Actually, I should say the human characters. The apes were much more interesting, all the actors under all that foam and latex did a pretty good job, particularly that warlord chimp Thade, you really grew to hate him as the film went on. The human cast however, was about as exciting to watch as reading one of my reviews. Mark Wahlberg's character had the personality of a brick wall throughout the entire thing. He acts as if he stumbles across talking apes all the time, and though he is the hero, you never really feel like rooting for the guy. Everyone else is completely disposable, you won't give a rat's ass about them, trust me. There is one hot chick who plays Wahlberg's semi-love interest who was terrific to look at, though that's about it. I kept hoping that he would show her some of the stuff he learned on the Boogie Night's set, but alas, that never happened. Even though this is supposed to be a "primitive" land, she of course has perfect teeth and smooth, silky legs (rocks must shave better than today's razors), and the same goes for Wahlberg who never grows a day's worth of stubble. I always think stuff like that is funny in movies. Anyway, I did not dislike the new Apes, it did have its entertaining parts I suppose. It just seemed to drag on for to damn long (2 hours), the much hyped shock ending sucked, and overall it just leaves you with a ho-hum feeling about it all. Just go back and watch the original.