Lucio Fulci’s tripped out take on the Sword and Sorcery craze of the early eighties can hardly be considered as being on par with his previous genre fare such as “Zombie” and “The Beyond”. However, it’s still a (somewhat) fun watch if you’re in the right frame of mind for a little bad film appreciation, and chances are if you’re reading this, you’ve “appreciated” many a bad film through the years. What “Conquest” lacks in a linear narrative, good acting and solid production values, it more than makes up for in the abundance of gore, lots of weird ass monsters, and a perpetually nude sorceress. Oh, and fog…lots and lots of fog. Onward.

Initially for this review I planned on skipping the obligatory “plot rundown” section, reason being that I could probably watch it several times (sober, mind you) and still have no clue as to what the hell was going on. From what I gathered, there’s this dude named Ilias whom is presumably on a journey towards manhood, or something of the like. At the film’s opening we’re shown Ilias being handed a bow by a group of old wise men types, preaching to Ilias that when he becomes a man, the bow will fire with an unlimited amount of laser styled arrows that come straight from the sun. Ahh…ok. Ilias sets out on his quest (don’t ask what) entering a strange new land where he almost immediately runs afoul of some bad guys intent on stealing his magical bow. Proving he’s really a pussy and not much of a mystical warrior, Ilias is saved by a Conan type named Mace, the typical renegade/loner type who hates his fellow man, loves animals, and wields a rather lethal pair of stone nun-chucks. Mace informs Ilias that Ocron, a sorceress who terrorizes the land, rules the area and it’s people with her magical powers and army of warriors and monsters. Ocron, who is perpetually nude sans a Destro styled mask and a spiked thong, immediately starts having visions of Ilias shooting her with his mystical bow, and sends forth a plethora of monsters and beasties to stop him. The rest of the film is essentially Mace and Ilias traveling throughout the land, encountering Ocron’s minions as they, presumably, set out to destroy her. I think.

So, in a very vague nutshell, there’s your “plot”. “Conquest” is sort of a “middle of the road” kind of effort from Fulci, as most fans really don’t have any strong feelings about it one way or the other. The film’s main detraction, besides the bad acting and plodding pacing, is the overall cinematography. Not that there aren’t some arty shots here and there, I’m talking about the actual “look” of the film itself. Watching “Conquest” is like watching it through a very dried up pair of contact lenses, everything is extremely hazy and hard to make out. Accompany this with what has to be the record for the most fog machines ever used on a film, and you have a very straining visual experience ahead of you. I think half the film’s budget went to fog machine rentals alone. The acting, as stated above, is very bad, about the kind you would expect from a low budget Mexican/Italian rip off of “Conan the Barbarian”. “Conquest” also suffers from just a very “blah” feeling throughout. Our two heroes are so dim-witted you almost want em’ to die, and in what should be the film’s carrying point, the film’s fight sequences are just, well, boring. All badness aside however, there is some fun to be had here if you’re especially forgiving.

First positive to note, Fulci packs this baby with so many weird ass monsters it’s almost like a smorgasbord of rubbery monster costumes. Sure, they all look cheap as hell and are your typical “man in rubber suit” costumes, but they’re still pretty nifty to see. Some may watch this and roll their eyes at the bad costumes, but c’mon, it’s all just cheesy fun. Don’t be so stuck up! As is typical with early eighties Fulci, the gore f/x is quite plentiful. Often censored throughout the land, the newly restored Blue Underground DVD let’s you witness such niceties as cracked open noggins, face whackings, zombie stabbings, arterial spurtings, open puss laden sores, burning bodies, and the highlight of em’ all, the now legendary scene of a pack of Chewbacca warriors ripping a hapless young lass apart by “wishboning” both her legs. Ouch.

While lacking the overall zeal and gusto of previous zombie infested Fulci efforts, “Conquest” should please most Fulci fanatics interested to see his take on the Barbarian craze of the early eighties. Sure it’s (real) dumb and at times not very exciting, but the overall weirdness that permeates throughout, complete with all the cheesy costumes and f/x make this one strangely appealing. Bad film aficionados take note.