Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Yeah, I know it's not as good as the first film, but there's still some fun to be had here if you're somewhat forgiving. "Conan the Destroyer" came along some time after the first "Conan" flick, and during these years between films there was a glut of barbarian flicks that were released, all to various degrees of effectiveness. So, producer Dino De Laurentiis decided it was high time to cash in on the craze, since the first "Conan" started it all.

The "ahem", plot of the movie sorta reads like an old 8-bit Nintendo game, so try to stay with me on this one folks. An evil Queen tricks Conan into thinking she can resurrect his lost love (she died in the first film) if he will accompany her niece on a quest to retrieve a mystical amulet and horn, both key items if you want to bring back to life an ancient evil god, as the Queen does indeed plan to do. The niece, played by the very underage and very hot Olivia d'Abo, is the only one who can touch the amulet without perishing (it's her destiny you see), and without the amulet you can't get the magic horn. Got it? Ok. Conan is joined on this mystical journey by his merry gang of thieves and heck, even Wilt Chamberlain gets into the act, portraying the young girls bodyguard named Bombaata (Bombataa?) Now, since Conan's dumb as fuck in this film, it never once occurred to him that the Queen just might be pulling a fast one on him, as she is indeed by planning to kill both Conan and sacrifice her niece upon their arrival with the goods. Oh, whatever will happen?

The first thing you notice about this one is the drastic change of tone compared to the first "Conan". The original was rated-R and full of bloodshed and a mature, dark vibe throughout. This one is rated PG for the kiddies, and it really shows. Expect to see many bodies cut with swords that don't gush blood, as there is hardly any gore in the film. Effects wise, most of it's pretty lousy except for the end creature, which was cool in an Andre the Giant inside rubber monster suit kind of way. Just watch out for those falling foam boulders Conan, ok? There are also tons of unfunny attempts at comedy as the film avoids that dark aspect of the first one, with the Conan character himself coming out looking like the biggest buffoon, lord help him, he's just not that bright. Not that there is anything wrong with Arnold's performance, his character was just given lots of stupid things to do and say. Don't expect to see his buddies from the first film showing up either, well, except for that old wizard dude. This time we get an imposter to Conan's original partner, with the film of course acting like it's the same dude, as well as Grace Jones as a female warrior who literally scared the shit out of me. I mean, c'mon...Grace Jones? Yikes. Everyone does sub-par so don't expect too much, as if you would anyway. On the plus side, some of the photography was pretty good; lots of cool desert shots and such sort of make up for the lame effects, though just slightly. Yeah, I know I ragged on most aspects of the film, but it's still sort of fun in a cheesy way. The sight of d'Abo prancing around in almost nothing is worth the rental price alone, and Conan, though really dumb here, still looks cool with a sword and knows how to put it to good use. Things just would have looked better with some blood and guts splashed around you know? Oh, and as for Wilt Chamberlain protecting the d'Abo characters virginity, HA HA HA HA! "Crom" indeed.