House of Wax (2005)

While far from being anything even remotely “original”, 2005’s “in name only” remake of 1953’s “House of Wax” was, surprisingly enough, decent. Wow, I can’t believe I just said that. A film from Dark Castle Productions, a studio that’s churned out numerous crapfests like “Ghost Ship” and the “House on Haunted Hill” remake actually did something decent. Wow. Oh, and it also “stars” Paris Hilton. Jeez… maybe I should lay off the hooch, you think? Sure, you get your usual batch of dumber than shit kids who do all the wrong things to ensure their deaths, (stray off alone, have sex in the woods, etc.) and, yeah, it borrows heavily from half a dozen genre films (Psycho, TCM, Tourist Trap), but there’s enough R-Rated gore and cool set and production design to keep you somewhat interested throughout.

Let’s see if this “plot” sounds familiar to ya. A group of college nitwits on their way to the big football game take a detour (whoops!) through the countryside, stumbling into a rather peculiar and secluded town housing an even more peculiar Wax Museum. As we soon learn (spoiler alert) the town’s only two inhabitants are a pair of separated at birth Siamese twins (Basket Case, anyone?), with one normal looking brother and one “freak” brother, both fully psychotic and ready to off anyone who enters their territory. The two have apparently been grabbing people off the local highway for years, with the “artistic” brother turning their victims into wax dummies, which he in turn uses to populate the town with creepy ass mannequins. Mix in cutie Elisha Cuthbert as your “good girl” heroine along with half a dozen “disposable” characters, and you get a rather predictable journey into slasher territory, saved only by some rather mean spirited violence and excellent set designs.

Prior to it’s release, the filmmakers were stating over and over how they were going for the “documentary” feel of the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, along with the overall gritty vibe ala “Chainsaw”, The Hills Have Eyes”, etc. I guess on some levels you do get this feeling, but its still way to damn slick to even come close to that 70’s drive-in vibe. Horror and exploitation flicks from that era just gave you a dirty feeling simply by watching them, not only in how the movie itself looked, but also by all the onscreen nastiness and intensity that was on display. If “House of Wax” fails to deliver on the 70’s homage thing, it definitely succeeds in violence and creepy ass set design.

In the era of anemic PG-13 horror films to drawn in the teenybopper crowd, “House of Wax” takes the opposite approach, serving up a rather heady brew of gore and violence. There’s beheadings, stabbings, impalements, and baseball bat beatings aplenty. There’s also just a rather sadistic vibe throughout, as evidence in Cuthbert’s getting her finger snipped off at one point. Ouch. And, yes, Paris dies real good. Anyone that does not rewind that scene at least twice, please check your pulse to see if you’re still alive. While the filmmakers went on and on in the horror press about being inspired from TCM, the film this baby really rips off/pays homage to is 1979’s excellent and still “scariest mannequin movie ever made”… “Tourist Trap” The legions of wax dummies populating the town are just creepy as all get out, and the inside of the brother’s wax museum is a sight to behold. Those interested in tracking down a copy of “Trap” will see where many of the mannequin ideas came from.

In summary, “House of Wax” wasn’t really all that great. It suffers form the usual bugaboos like horrible acting, an at times clunky script, and some just plain unlikable characters doing the most unthinkable things. You’ll find yourself screaming at these twits, and really, how can you root for a character who just “has” to trespass into an old, creepy wax museum that practically screams, “home of psycho killer”. Jeez. All typical crappiness aside, this baby is carried by it’s gore/violence factor, and some truly cool sets and props. Good for a lazy afternoon when you’re on your 4th beer and find yourself in the mood for some cheap fun.