Halloween 7: H20 (1998)

In the realm of sequels, chances are that by the time you approach the seventh film in a series, there's been quite a few bad apples in the batch. The Halloween films are no different, with parts five and six easily being the worst of the series, and the franchise seemed destined for the black hole of direct-to-video land. Now we find ourselves on the seventh sequel, cleverly disguised via the marketing department as "H20" and not part seven of a tiring series. Gee, I wonder what they are trying to hide? Honestly, I truly think the intentions here were nothing but positive to make a decent film. Jamie Lee herself apparently spearheaded the whole thing, even approaching John Carpenter and Debra Hill to get together and come up with something for the series "20th Anniversary". Instead we get Steve Miner Friday the 13th 2 & 3 to direct. I'll take it, I suppose. So, let' see here. We have a reinvigorated Jamie Lee, the series is ignoring the crappier films in the lot, it's the "20th Anniversary"and all, things might just turn out OK here. Wait, wait a minute. Who's name was that I saw on the opening credits? Is that Kevin "Scream" Williamson's name I see? Goddamn. On second thought....

Completely ignoring the events of parts 4-6, and taking place twenty years after the first film's events, one Laurie Strode is a fucked up neurotic mess of a mother who sees Michael via hallucinations, like Tommy Jarvis from the Friday films, at every turn. After undergoing some sort of "witness protection" plan, she now resides with a new name in sunny California with her seventeen year old son, holding down a job as a principal at a private richy rich school. Of course, as Halloween approaches Jamie starts getting all mega paranoid, her son starts getting sick of her shit, and Michael decides to finally get off his ass and take out the relatives. Dude, what the hell have you been doing all this time? I know you walk slow and all, but twenty fucking years?

Halloween H20 is, essentially, the "hip' entry into the series, or, as most fans will attest, the Scream version of a Halloween film. Kevin Williamson adds the usual self-referencing that worked so well in Scream, but here it just seems played out. This just doesn't feel the way a Halloween film should. The events take place in sunny California, there's no falling leaves, hardly any use of the Carpenter score, it's all just...off. Many fans feel this one is Michael stepping onto the set of the WB to star in an episode of Dawson's Creek, and, with the casting of Michelle Williams from that series, it's sorta true. Christ, we even get L.L. Cool J as the token black comedy relief. The vibe is just way to clean and not dark or 'Halloweeny" enough. Aargh. The violence is fairly tame, and that's ok, because the original film was never about blood and gore. However, the only way you'll find this film "scary" in any way is if you've lived in a fucking cave your whole life and have never seen any horror at all. It's all the usual false scares, Michael creeps here, pops his head out there, etc. Zero tension and zero suspense. Way to go. As for Big Mike, again, he just looks "off" here. The last Myers costume to look decent was part four's Return model and after that they just got progressively worse. Here, his eye holes are to damn big on the mask and he just doesn't seem very imposing for whatever reason. I'll blame Kevin Williamson for this, just because I can. Also, what the hell has he been doing for twenty years? How did he get a new mask and costume? He was burned to a crisp at the end of part two and he was sans eyeballs since Loomis shot em' out! I know it's just a movie, but fucking christ all mighty. About the only plus here is Curtis, she does a good job and seems pumped up to be Jamie Lee again. She's definitely more like Ripley from Alien however, as she really takes it to Mikey in the big showdown at the end. While I always root for Michael, I felt extra sorry for him here...he just doesn't seem to get any good shots in. Poor guy.

So, in summary, H20 just isn't that great. It could have been great, but by trying to be clean and trendy, they fucked up. I just re-watched this after probably ten years, and I'll never venture down this path again. A Haollween film it ain't, and I'd rather be strapped to a chair and forced to watch Curse of Michael Myers on a continuous loop than subject myself to this. Thanks Kevin Williamson, you're stamp of suckiness is all over this one.